Saturday, August 13, 2011
babies
I went to the grocery store the other day, shopping for my weekly groceries, some ground turkey, chicken thighs, potatoes, bananas and more when all of a sudden this shrieking alarm sounded. I instinctively froze for a second and then without regard headed for the exit. I do admit it was the highest pitch fire alarm I have ever heard, but still I headed to the exit walking quickly past the dairy and turned down the Asian theme isle when all of a sudden I stopped dead in my tracks. " WHAT THE HELL", the alarm I heard was not an alarm at all, it was a larger than usual baby boy, screaming and not liking his cart at all. Where was his mom, about 20 feet down the isle on her cell phone just talking away and shopping for something,not paying attention to her child. Well I thought you are kidding me, So I did what I thought was best. I rolled that cart with the screaming baby boy to its mother, "here you go".....She turned and gave me such a look of disdain and I said " now you know how we all feel ", get off your phone and care for your son. Then I grabbed some sriracha sauce and headed off to find my cart leaving behind now 2 screaming babies. Well I paid for my groceries and was placing them in the back seat of my truck when I heard "hey bud". I turned around and saw no one. "look down numb nuts". What the f. It was the baby boy I had encountered, "you talk?" I asked. "no"he shot back with a smile and a wink. I must be going crazy I thought to myself but if I was so be it. "So whats up little man"? "Don't call me that"....I just wanted to let you know we babies have something to say. O.K. what is it? we babies cry because we can not TALK! we cry because we wet our diapers, we cry because we are tired, we cry because we are hungry, we cry because we are scared, we do not know how to control our volume, no we won't be quiet, Oh is that a pacifier? Did I say we can't talk, if we could we would not be crying all the time. so sorry for interrupting your movie or for making your shopping less fun but we are not as bad as those dogs, sorry for ruining your meals and your romantic dinner and if you smell something very bad and we are crying god help you...I agreed with this larger than usual talking baby boy . I closed my door and turned back but the baby boy was gone, I knew that this was just my mind playing games on me, funny, but as I was about to get into my truck out came the mother carrying the baby boy on her shoulders and who now appeared asleep. I thought as she came closer that it is a tough tough job to be a parent and to be a baby and I forgive all babies for all their indiscretions of behavior. The mom and baby boy walked by me , the mom and myself exchanged smiles and as I watched her carry her sleeping baby boy he suddenly opened his eyes, smiled and winked, drooled on his moms shoulders then fell back to sleep. I laughed and got in my truck and have not stopped smiling. maybe this was not my mind playing tricks on me and the larger than usual baby boy was right...babies are not as bad as dogs.....
Thursday, August 4, 2011
As good as it gets
August 4th, 2011
every now and then we hang around greatness. That adjective can be used loosely at best. Not this time. I have a friend not a best friend but friend none the less. He works hard and has a plan. He looks for love and more times than not finds friends. He always has a place to go, always invited by someone to do something. He helps anyone who needs it without any reservation. I my self have been stranded on a Friday night , one call to him and 30 minutes later he is there, He does not have a pet but you will find a cute Chiwawa hanging out at his place when his owner is off at school. I have never and I mean never heard him say a coarse word. Boy could he, you see my friend has Crohn's and for all who do not know Crohn's is a long-term inflammatory disease of the gastrointestinal (GI) system. He has been in an out of the hospital because of this, His diet has changed( anything good makes him sick, ice makes him feel better). He was in a relationship and it ended because of this. Pain, I mean constant, piercing, intolerable pain that would make anyone give up. Not my friend, he says nothing. He demands of himself to go to work, help customers, they need him he says, he wont let them down, all the while having to endure this pain. He has been in the hospital 2 of the last 4 weeks, at least there he can get morphine and the pain for that moment of time disappears. This will be his life from now on, this is what he gets to look forward too, everyday and I mean everyday dealing with pain but hey if I did not tell you, did not point at him while we were all out and say that's my friend with Crohn's you would never know. Sit around the table with him, sit at the bar with him, go to dinner with him, watch a movie with him, take a road trip with him and experience his greatness as he will never let you know about his pain. My friend has Crohn's and he refuses to let Crohn's control his live, spend a moment with him and see what he is made of because that is as good as it gets.
Mark
every now and then we hang around greatness. That adjective can be used loosely at best. Not this time. I have a friend not a best friend but friend none the less. He works hard and has a plan. He looks for love and more times than not finds friends. He always has a place to go, always invited by someone to do something. He helps anyone who needs it without any reservation. I my self have been stranded on a Friday night , one call to him and 30 minutes later he is there, He does not have a pet but you will find a cute Chiwawa hanging out at his place when his owner is off at school. I have never and I mean never heard him say a coarse word. Boy could he, you see my friend has Crohn's and for all who do not know Crohn's is a long-term inflammatory disease of the gastrointestinal (GI) system. He has been in an out of the hospital because of this, His diet has changed( anything good makes him sick, ice makes him feel better). He was in a relationship and it ended because of this. Pain, I mean constant, piercing, intolerable pain that would make anyone give up. Not my friend, he says nothing. He demands of himself to go to work, help customers, they need him he says, he wont let them down, all the while having to endure this pain. He has been in the hospital 2 of the last 4 weeks, at least there he can get morphine and the pain for that moment of time disappears. This will be his life from now on, this is what he gets to look forward too, everyday and I mean everyday dealing with pain but hey if I did not tell you, did not point at him while we were all out and say that's my friend with Crohn's you would never know. Sit around the table with him, sit at the bar with him, go to dinner with him, watch a movie with him, take a road trip with him and experience his greatness as he will never let you know about his pain. My friend has Crohn's and he refuses to let Crohn's control his live, spend a moment with him and see what he is made of because that is as good as it gets.
Mark
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
the great wall of deceit
Corporate Corrections of America the great wall of deceit
Otay Mesa, San Diego, California
Stand Up! Complied with. Turn around! Complied with. Do not move! Complied with. Carlos followed every directive without ever saying a word. The door opened and 5 guards rushed in and threw Carlos to the ground, with the noise of teenage hooligans out to cause mischief the guards stomped on him and secured all 5’7 145lbs of him but again Carlos did not say a word. The guards whisked him off to the hole and before long Carlos heard another cell door open, he was thrown in this cell and the training began. The lead guard demonstrated how you subdue an inmate and remove his restraints, then for them the fun began, the lead guard shouted rip his shirt off, flip him over pull his pants off, leaving him naked, standing over him, high fives abound, and accolades a job well done were echoed, they all looked down at Carlos who of course was completely naked and smiled and walked away, slamming the cell door as they left. Carlos still never said a word. Carlos looked around and saw this cell had one unique feature, there was a hole in the middle of the room and that was it. The hole and the cell smelled like feces. Carlos was appalled. Why was he naked? Well enter the counselor who told him that he was in this cell and naked because the report stated he was suicidal. Carlos could not believe it, “who wrote that”, he asked, I am not suicidal, nor will I ever be… after just ten minutes speaking with Carlos the counselor agreed and summoned the captain for Carlos to be moved immediately. The guards had falsified this finding so as to be able to train their staff and this was at the expense of Carlos… what precipitated this event, well Carlos did tear up his cell, why you ask? Well the constant mind games of lights on and lights off and the constant private personal, medical information being leaked to other inmates who want to hurt Carlos had reached a point, but what pushed him over the edge was his commissary delivery or the lack there of it. I call the prison when something is not right and Carlos complains to me, I happened to speak with the commissary manager in the morning and as usual the arrogance of a CCA employee showed thru, I spoke about their oversight and their mistake of not delivering to Carlos, well she made it a point to tell me that Carlos needed to speak to anyone who worked in commissary as they always are around and he could just ask someone when he saw them. Well I shared my point with her and then shared her point with Carlos…….Carlos followed that instruction and the next time he saw the guy who delivered commissary he spoke to him, “hey man! You forgot about my delivery, can you check please”? This employee looked at Carlos and shouted “fuck off”……and kept on walking………………….Carlos had enough and rightfully so, so he took his frustrations out on his cell and then laid down and waited.. I have as well had enough of this corporation and our government must now step in and revoke their licenses. Google this company and see all the discord, see all the human rights violations, see the deaths , see the corrupt employees, see the corrupt officers of this company. They over crowd for profits sake, they have been sited for this but yet still practice this. They hold back meals, they traumatize the families of these inmates who patiently wait to see them, the area that you must wait in gets very hot and yet only one umbrella, they make them line up to hand in their paperwork, making them stand for up to an hour in the sun before the employee comes out to collect the paper work. Also this is a holding facility not a prison, the shackles on the ankles are a form of torture , look at Carlos’ ankles and tell me it is not, this should be abolished. It has been said that if you went to the facility and wore a blindfold you would not be able to distinguish who the inmates or who the guards were. I myself have waited for my visit and have had shift changes happen, older men and women along with children were waiting as well and all of us are forced to hear words such as “mother fucker”, “asshole”, bitch, dike, fag…..is this really what we should put up with. Is this really where we should trust our loved ones, Is this really where we should reward these kinds of behavior. I know that running an operation such as this is not easy but with that said, if you fail at something look for something else to do. The one thing you owe us, those of us who have loved ones in your care is that they will be safe and treated with respect and dignity. You have failed at all three, you harbor an environment of hate and discontent for the human life and this can not be tolerated.
Mark O’Brien
Monday, July 18, 2011
pride
July 17th, 2011
Well another pride has come and gone. Many people from many places celebrating our movement or who should be celebrating the gay movement. The bars were busy,the park was alive and the parade was a success. I usually volunteer at the festival each year, just giving back to my community during pride. I was suppose to provide safety for the main stage at the festival where Margret Cho and Christina Aguelera along with others would perform. I never made it to the festival . I apologize to the volunteers, I never went to a bar, I never saw the parade, I never joined in any festivities of this pride weekend but I must tell you it was the best pride weekend I have ever had.
carlos has been waiting more patiently than me for his release. He calls me everyday and I am able to see him on the weekends and holidays, usually Sundays is our day to visit, but this weekend I went on Saturday, waited for four hours in the sun for my hour visit with Carlos, plexiglass between us and the germ filled phone to speak in, the hour moved so fast as it always does, we talk about the future as its the future that motivates us. He was funny today, he wanted me to go see Christina Aguelera and walk around and enjoy the park, funny he would ask me to do that. "Don't stay home",he said. "O.K."but I did. I woke up on Sunday and again headed out to see Carlos. I love every minute I spend with him and I hope he realizes that. He was disappointed to hear I did nothing on Saturday night and again reiterated for me to go on Sunday, well again I stayed home and as I was watching television Carlos called and was sad that I did not have a good pride weekend and blamed himself. I smiled and simply told him there was nothing in the bars for me , there was nothing at the park for me , there was nothing in the parade for me. Pride is about being with family,friends and loved ones sharing our lifestyle and all our successes for equality. Carlos, the hour I spent with you on Saturday and the hour I spent with you on Sunday was my pride. my celebration for having you in my life. It does not get better than that....there was a pause but I heard his smile and I heard his heart and that is
why this was the best pride of my life.
Mark
Well another pride has come and gone. Many people from many places celebrating our movement or who should be celebrating the gay movement. The bars were busy,the park was alive and the parade was a success. I usually volunteer at the festival each year, just giving back to my community during pride. I was suppose to provide safety for the main stage at the festival where Margret Cho and Christina Aguelera along with others would perform. I never made it to the festival . I apologize to the volunteers, I never went to a bar, I never saw the parade, I never joined in any festivities of this pride weekend but I must tell you it was the best pride weekend I have ever had.
carlos has been waiting more patiently than me for his release. He calls me everyday and I am able to see him on the weekends and holidays, usually Sundays is our day to visit, but this weekend I went on Saturday, waited for four hours in the sun for my hour visit with Carlos, plexiglass between us and the germ filled phone to speak in, the hour moved so fast as it always does, we talk about the future as its the future that motivates us. He was funny today, he wanted me to go see Christina Aguelera and walk around and enjoy the park, funny he would ask me to do that. "Don't stay home",he said. "O.K."but I did. I woke up on Sunday and again headed out to see Carlos. I love every minute I spend with him and I hope he realizes that. He was disappointed to hear I did nothing on Saturday night and again reiterated for me to go on Sunday, well again I stayed home and as I was watching television Carlos called and was sad that I did not have a good pride weekend and blamed himself. I smiled and simply told him there was nothing in the bars for me , there was nothing at the park for me , there was nothing in the parade for me. Pride is about being with family,friends and loved ones sharing our lifestyle and all our successes for equality. Carlos, the hour I spent with you on Saturday and the hour I spent with you on Sunday was my pride. my celebration for having you in my life. It does not get better than that....there was a pause but I heard his smile and I heard his heart and that is
why this was the best pride of my life.
Mark
Friday, March 25, 2011
day 11
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:16 PM
someone saved my life today with only a smile
all thru my blog you have read many things about my thoughts, some of those thoughts have included my feelings on myself. The trials and tribulations one goes thru when their life, my life is turned upside down, the fears of never fully recovering , physically or emotionally, those fears grab hold and refuse to relinquish their grip........with all my might I have tried to help others while never fully helping myself..... I take great pride that my words have sooth, healed and strenghtened hearts of others, but I must admit I am deeply pained that those same words leave my heart heavy. I have fought and prayed, laughed, cried, talked and listened, trying to find some sense of where my life is now and always and I mean always I have come up empty...I questioned myself on being selfish, I have challenged myself on being patient and I have scolded myself for being thoughtless. But it always came back to sadness, I know that its only been five months since I left the hospital, I know how much struggle was placed on me and I know how supportive my friends and family are to me, but I was introduced yesterday to what I was missing. I was at the gym, working hard and never since my hospital stay has anyone paid me any mind. I mean that's O.K. I go to the gym to work out, trying to make me better, trying to put aside my hurt......... There was a man working out at the same time near me, nothing special about this man, just happened to be there at the same time. As I was lifting I started to realize I was really working out again and it felt great ....I was finishing up when this man walked by and and we glanced at each other and he smiled, yes smiled, nothing else, we did not speak at all, he just smiled but it was one of those smiles that you wear when your puppy greets you at the door, one of those smiles when your favorite sports team wins, one of those smiles when your lottery ticket is a winner....These smiles are genuine, they are honest , they are real... And when he smiled and kept walking I smiled and for the first time realized I was getting better, I was growing stronger, that smile tore away the grip fear had on me, I am not saying I don't have alot of work to do but what I am saying is I am confident I am succeeding. A stranger saved my life yesterday with only a smile...........so I ask everyone what is it worth to you to know that you made someone feel alittle better about themselves today!!!is it worth a smile!
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:16 PM
someone saved my life today with only a smile
all thru my blog you have read many things about my thoughts, some of those thoughts have included my feelings on myself. The trials and tribulations one goes thru when their life, my life is turned upside down, the fears of never fully recovering , physically or emotionally, those fears grab hold and refuse to relinquish their grip........with all my might I have tried to help others while never fully helping myself..... I take great pride that my words have sooth, healed and strenghtened hearts of others, but I must admit I am deeply pained that those same words leave my heart heavy. I have fought and prayed, laughed, cried, talked and listened, trying to find some sense of where my life is now and always and I mean always I have come up empty...I questioned myself on being selfish, I have challenged myself on being patient and I have scolded myself for being thoughtless. But it always came back to sadness, I know that its only been five months since I left the hospital, I know how much struggle was placed on me and I know how supportive my friends and family are to me, but I was introduced yesterday to what I was missing. I was at the gym, working hard and never since my hospital stay has anyone paid me any mind. I mean that's O.K. I go to the gym to work out, trying to make me better, trying to put aside my hurt......... There was a man working out at the same time near me, nothing special about this man, just happened to be there at the same time. As I was lifting I started to realize I was really working out again and it felt great ....I was finishing up when this man walked by and and we glanced at each other and he smiled, yes smiled, nothing else, we did not speak at all, he just smiled but it was one of those smiles that you wear when your puppy greets you at the door, one of those smiles when your favorite sports team wins, one of those smiles when your lottery ticket is a winner....These smiles are genuine, they are honest , they are real... And when he smiled and kept walking I smiled and for the first time realized I was getting better, I was growing stronger, that smile tore away the grip fear had on me, I am not saying I don't have alot of work to do but what I am saying is I am confident I am succeeding. A stranger saved my life yesterday with only a smile...........so I ask everyone what is it worth to you to know that you made someone feel alittle better about themselves today!!!is it worth a smile!
day 10
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:17 PM
I wrote this story and poem awhile back but today I found it fitting to bring it back
Free to Dream
Sometimes I remember moments, stories of old, happy times and sad times. On this particular day it must have been 4:10 am, I was up I actually just got home from work. Thus the life of a bartender. I can not explain to you or anyone why this vivid thought came to me –a thought of years gone bye a thought of my brothers best friend in little league and of course elementary school. They were inseparable, both great athletes, especially baseball. They played on the same little league team and both were destined to start varsity baseball on their high school team as freshman. My brother TJ did exactly that but his friend Chris did not as Chris was lost to us and the world in a traffic accident. Boy, the hurt, the healing, the loss of a child is so wrong, so jolting –so as I pondered this memory I went on my fire escape of my apartment in the east village of NYC and wrote.
Free to dream
I remember a day long ago
My age at time escapes me
I was young, stupid and full of life
A kid wanting to be free
Yearning for that freedom
Like everyone else who was free
Free to buy beer
Drive a car
Live alone
Fly very far
Go out till 2 am or 4
Eat what I want
Pee, without closing the door
Be messy dirty or clean
Having to shave with a razor
By the way, what’s a wet dream?
Independent
Living the big life
No fear
Wow, this day long ago is becoming so vivid
Hey what’s this?
Tears
I see it
This day
I see it now
I left the corner store
I laugh
Start to run home
I couldn’t wait to tell my mom of my dreams
Hope she is not on the phone
When a noise in some direction
got so loud, so light, so bright
I looked just in time
This car hit me
Threw me clear
Clear out of sight
As my body crumpled
I fumbled with one thought
Mom
Left alone, sad and crying
She’ll be crying an awful lot
Mom, I am so sorry
Please tell me you can hear
Mommy
Can you help me?
Then she disappeared
Wondering what I did
Wondering how and why this would happen
To me or any kid
My dreams once so fib rant
Now echo of loss
I never will understand at just what cost
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:17 PM
I wrote this story and poem awhile back but today I found it fitting to bring it back
Free to Dream
Sometimes I remember moments, stories of old, happy times and sad times. On this particular day it must have been 4:10 am, I was up I actually just got home from work. Thus the life of a bartender. I can not explain to you or anyone why this vivid thought came to me –a thought of years gone bye a thought of my brothers best friend in little league and of course elementary school. They were inseparable, both great athletes, especially baseball. They played on the same little league team and both were destined to start varsity baseball on their high school team as freshman. My brother TJ did exactly that but his friend Chris did not as Chris was lost to us and the world in a traffic accident. Boy, the hurt, the healing, the loss of a child is so wrong, so jolting –so as I pondered this memory I went on my fire escape of my apartment in the east village of NYC and wrote.
Free to dream
I remember a day long ago
My age at time escapes me
I was young, stupid and full of life
A kid wanting to be free
Yearning for that freedom
Like everyone else who was free
Free to buy beer
Drive a car
Live alone
Fly very far
Go out till 2 am or 4
Eat what I want
Pee, without closing the door
Be messy dirty or clean
Having to shave with a razor
By the way, what’s a wet dream?
Independent
Living the big life
No fear
Wow, this day long ago is becoming so vivid
Hey what’s this?
Tears
I see it
This day
I see it now
I left the corner store
I laugh
Start to run home
I couldn’t wait to tell my mom of my dreams
Hope she is not on the phone
When a noise in some direction
got so loud, so light, so bright
I looked just in time
This car hit me
Threw me clear
Clear out of sight
As my body crumpled
I fumbled with one thought
Mom
Left alone, sad and crying
She’ll be crying an awful lot
Mom, I am so sorry
Please tell me you can hear
Mommy
Can you help me?
Then she disappeared
Wondering what I did
Wondering how and why this would happen
To me or any kid
My dreams once so fib rant
Now echo of loss
I never will understand at just what cost
day 8
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:17 PM
Colors
I took my nephew and my nephews friend to the San Diego zoo on a beautiful balmy summer day. I was so rejoiced to see how my nephew embraced the beautiful animals of the beautiful San Diego zoo. I was amazed how he mentioned over and over about the majestic colors of orangutans , exotic birds, the zebras, lions, the giraffes’ and almost every creature of the animal kingdom. It wasn’t just the incredible journey of learning about these new creatures in his life I absorbed. It was how he just adored the tranquil unsuspecting flamboyant colors that these animals carried and how well they strutted so proud to be what they were. You see I was so happy to hear his proclamations because as a bi-racial child, his color was often a pit for ridicule. Seeing that my nephew was not going to be deterred, distracted or jaded about color. Be it on him or these beautiful animals of this beautiful zoo. I could not but be inspired to when I finally arrived home, scribble these words down for us all and especially those who may see color in a different light.
I see color
Color that is so clear
Red for that rose
Brown in the bear
Blue on the sky
Oh, how beautiful to see
Green for the grass
Yellow and black in that bumble bee
Love, colors,
Plentiful
Look all around
Influence
For this I have found
But lost in this oasis are the colors of we
Brown, black, white,
The bare colors for all
For us
See
So why in one instance
These colors held in awe
Can in the next breath
Create hatred so near and far
Call me simple
It may be true
For me
All colors look more splendid
On you
You and youday 9Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:17 PMI am not the man I use to be!
Having lunch with a friend of mine yesterday, well actually tacos, we were having tacos prior to going to the gym......The conversation was initiated by me , I was commenting on how much I have fallen or thought I had fallen in regards to my body , my looks , my life...I had 4 months ago been in a hospital bed fighting off pneumonia, it took all my might and I lost 25 pounds in that fight...well that seems along time ago, but today, when we were speaking, the conversation brought me to days,years of old, a long but not so long ago time. I shared to him my hurtful emotion, I told him, "Look at me" , am I not good looking am I not sexy! "am I not hot",,,,,bless his soul , he could only respond one way, What would your friend do? ....."Mark" , you are sexy to me, you are hot to me,,,,,,,there it was, the dreaded sexy to ME, hot to ME, line........All my years of life, my body, my face, was what got me everywhere.....I trusted in my body and my looks to get me to success... All these years it never failed, never wavered,...but then came pneumonia. pnenumonia wiped out all my confidence in a 3 week period., so as I thought about not being the same man I used to be, I wondered back to the days in palm springs when I partied to much, professed to much, was drunk too much and had way too many sexual partners to ever protest to much.. ... Was that me? was that the man I was? Yes it was, and so as I struggle to regain my,,, lets just call it form , I want to share with all of you ,,,,,I am not the man I use to be: and boy am I happy for that !!!!!
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:17 PM
Colors
I took my nephew and my nephews friend to the San Diego zoo on a beautiful balmy summer day. I was so rejoiced to see how my nephew embraced the beautiful animals of the beautiful San Diego zoo. I was amazed how he mentioned over and over about the majestic colors of orangutans , exotic birds, the zebras, lions, the giraffes’ and almost every creature of the animal kingdom. It wasn’t just the incredible journey of learning about these new creatures in his life I absorbed. It was how he just adored the tranquil unsuspecting flamboyant colors that these animals carried and how well they strutted so proud to be what they were. You see I was so happy to hear his proclamations because as a bi-racial child, his color was often a pit for ridicule. Seeing that my nephew was not going to be deterred, distracted or jaded about color. Be it on him or these beautiful animals of this beautiful zoo. I could not but be inspired to when I finally arrived home, scribble these words down for us all and especially those who may see color in a different light.
I see color
Color that is so clear
Red for that rose
Brown in the bear
Blue on the sky
Oh, how beautiful to see
Green for the grass
Yellow and black in that bumble bee
Love, colors,
Plentiful
Look all around
Influence
For this I have found
But lost in this oasis are the colors of we
Brown, black, white,
The bare colors for all
For us
See
So why in one instance
These colors held in awe
Can in the next breath
Create hatred so near and far
Call me simple
It may be true
For me
All colors look more splendid
On you
You and youday 9Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:17 PMI am not the man I use to be!
Having lunch with a friend of mine yesterday, well actually tacos, we were having tacos prior to going to the gym......The conversation was initiated by me , I was commenting on how much I have fallen or thought I had fallen in regards to my body , my looks , my life...I had 4 months ago been in a hospital bed fighting off pneumonia, it took all my might and I lost 25 pounds in that fight...well that seems along time ago, but today, when we were speaking, the conversation brought me to days,years of old, a long but not so long ago time. I shared to him my hurtful emotion, I told him, "Look at me" , am I not good looking am I not sexy! "am I not hot",,,,,bless his soul , he could only respond one way, What would your friend do? ....."Mark" , you are sexy to me, you are hot to me,,,,,,,there it was, the dreaded sexy to ME, hot to ME, line........All my years of life, my body, my face, was what got me everywhere.....I trusted in my body and my looks to get me to success... All these years it never failed, never wavered,...but then came pneumonia. pnenumonia wiped out all my confidence in a 3 week period., so as I thought about not being the same man I used to be, I wondered back to the days in palm springs when I partied to much, professed to much, was drunk too much and had way too many sexual partners to ever protest to much.. ... Was that me? was that the man I was? Yes it was, and so as I struggle to regain my,,, lets just call it form , I want to share with all of you ,,,,,I am not the man I use to be: and boy am I happy for that !!!!!
day 7
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:17 PM
Never say you hate someone
I ran across a woman today who was emotionally exhausted,crying and in so much pain......I asked, "excuse me , miss , can I help you?" No , No you can't was her answer,,,,Please , please are you sure? Get away from me ..,no,no, I am sorry....you can not help me.....I had a fight earlier with my 17 year old son and like all 17 year olds, he stormed out of the house , but before he left, he yelled "I hate you" and I yelled back I hate you too. Then about 6pm, there came a knock on my door and it was the police, asking me if I had a son and was his name Michael, I told them yes , yes my son, my only child is named Michael, They then showed me his wallet, Why do you have Michael's wallet? I asked! ...... they started to tell me my son was at a friends house where his friends brother was targeted by a drug dealer who came by their house when my son happened to be there and my son was killed,shot him in the head.......You see ,he was my baby, my life,,,,,why did he have to leave this way?..Can you help me find Jesus? I need to speak to him. No , No I can not, I said....she continued , " but I told him I hated him when he walked out that door and that was the last thing he heard from me.............I spoke up,, no it was not, it was not the last thing he heard,, He is hearing you now, He knows how you feel , he knows how hurt you are, He feels your pain ...say something to him ,,,say it now......"Jesus, oh Jesus ,,baby, I
should have not yelled at you, I was only worried about you, but my worrying got you killed , baby, please forgive me"..............
I share this story with you, with one thought in mind, please watch you words when speaking to a loved one , If it is the last time you do see them, the toughest time you will have is not if they forgive you but if you can forgive yourself.........remove hate from your vocabulary forever , as hate never has a happy ending.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:17 PM
Never say you hate someone
I ran across a woman today who was emotionally exhausted,crying and in so much pain......I asked, "excuse me , miss , can I help you?" No , No you can't was her answer,,,,Please , please are you sure? Get away from me ..,no,no, I am sorry....you can not help me.....I had a fight earlier with my 17 year old son and like all 17 year olds, he stormed out of the house , but before he left, he yelled "I hate you" and I yelled back I hate you too. Then about 6pm, there came a knock on my door and it was the police, asking me if I had a son and was his name Michael, I told them yes , yes my son, my only child is named Michael, They then showed me his wallet, Why do you have Michael's wallet? I asked! ...... they started to tell me my son was at a friends house where his friends brother was targeted by a drug dealer who came by their house when my son happened to be there and my son was killed,shot him in the head.......You see ,he was my baby, my life,,,,,why did he have to leave this way?..Can you help me find Jesus? I need to speak to him. No , No I can not, I said....she continued , " but I told him I hated him when he walked out that door and that was the last thing he heard from me.............I spoke up,, no it was not, it was not the last thing he heard,, He is hearing you now, He knows how you feel , he knows how hurt you are, He feels your pain ...say something to him ,,,say it now......"Jesus, oh Jesus ,,baby, I
should have not yelled at you, I was only worried about you, but my worrying got you killed , baby, please forgive me"..............
I share this story with you, with one thought in mind, please watch you words when speaking to a loved one , If it is the last time you do see them, the toughest time you will have is not if they forgive you but if you can forgive yourself.........remove hate from your vocabulary forever , as hate never has a happy ending.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
day 6
When I was a young boy my vivd thoughts and wild imagination took a whole new turn.... I read Ralph Ellison's invisible man and wondered back in 1952 did he know something that none of us knew? I remember wishing I was Ralph Ellison's invisible man, not for the discourse but for what my imagination could bring, imaging me going anywhere ,sneaking on that Mr frosty ice cream truck and getting all the ice cream I wanted, showing up late for class during a test but not really and visiting the girls locker room when lets just say it was busy and now, now as I am older the thoughts of the super bowl ,standing right there on the sidelines , or visiting Cuba and walking aimlessly thru a majestic ,beautiful land without anyone aware of my presence or, or going to Pakistan and finding osama bin laden and in a whisper getting rid of him without a trace........have entered my mind, but tonight I went out to a bar and I saw people I knew but for the first time in my life I actually....felt Invisible. It was busy, I played pool as I always do and I played darts as well, I win most of the time in pool and tonight surprisingly I won in darts... music was pumping and chatter could be heard all around but I was alone in another paradox of self doubt. hey I am here , does anyone see me? Hi, I am mark , how are you? --OK , no problem he did not hear me!!really!!OK !!! I give up my game ,,you guys play.....I said you guys play........I SAID YOU GUYS PLAY!!!!SILENCE.......then music , then chatter, then I walked out and headed to my truck. no goodbyes, no,, where are you going? nothing, I was invisible, I was sad, Ralph , you have it all wrong, it is so depressing, so hurtful to be invisible, no more fantasying about being here or there. no more making invisible, sexy, Ralph it hurt real bad, I was invisible tonight and nothing you wrote could make me feel good, but I vow with my words I will never ever be invisible again
day 5
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:18 PM
A new beginning
I thought the other day; I thought to myself, I need a new beginning. A new beginning to be able to laugh again, love again, be happy again, this life, my life now was depressing me, letting me down ………my health had failed me, my job paid too little, I had no love life , I was drinking a little to much, my once proud body was a little beat up, I spend a lot of time feeling sorry for me, it was not fair, why me?, I deserve much more….Then it dawned on me, My life did not let me down, my life was not depressing me,,,,,, it was me…..me who was depressing me ,me who was letting me down. Me who drank a little too much……I was looking for the easy way out , I was trying to blame something or someone for my unhappiness…well truth be told, I blame me,,, I control my actions, I control my mind, I control my job, I control my body….. I control……..I was right about a new beginning but my approach had been wrong, I can have a new beginning here, I will demand from myself that I start fresh, fresh with the new sunrise, fresh with the sunset, It is my life, my responsibility, not yours, not theirs, no mine and mine alone.
Take hold of your life as I have taken hold of mine, if you do not like your job –you change it , you do not have a love life ,find it…..you drink too much, cut back….if we do not get motivated to help ourselves…who will? A new beginning I yearned for and a new beginning I found without ever moving from this keyboard……
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:18 PM
A new beginning
I thought the other day; I thought to myself, I need a new beginning. A new beginning to be able to laugh again, love again, be happy again, this life, my life now was depressing me, letting me down ………my health had failed me, my job paid too little, I had no love life , I was drinking a little to much, my once proud body was a little beat up, I spend a lot of time feeling sorry for me, it was not fair, why me?, I deserve much more….Then it dawned on me, My life did not let me down, my life was not depressing me,,,,,, it was me…..me who was depressing me ,me who was letting me down. Me who drank a little too much……I was looking for the easy way out , I was trying to blame something or someone for my unhappiness…well truth be told, I blame me,,, I control my actions, I control my mind, I control my job, I control my body….. I control……..I was right about a new beginning but my approach had been wrong, I can have a new beginning here, I will demand from myself that I start fresh, fresh with the new sunrise, fresh with the sunset, It is my life, my responsibility, not yours, not theirs, no mine and mine alone.
Take hold of your life as I have taken hold of mine, if you do not like your job –you change it , you do not have a love life ,find it…..you drink too much, cut back….if we do not get motivated to help ourselves…who will? A new beginning I yearned for and a new beginning I found without ever moving from this keyboard……
day 4
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:18 PM
crying can be a funny thing
I know , I know, when you see this title you will question my thought. But hold on , let me explain. I understand, when we are born we are made to cry, is that sad or funny? When you slip in public in front of Macy's on Christmas eve, is that sad or funny? when you are at a comedy show and the comic is tearing it up and tears are strolling down your face please tell me that's funny, when you are watching a show with your friend in a theater or your home and you start tearing up ,crying, is that funny? How about watching a movie with a cynical friend, a lifetime movie and you start crying is that funny to you? no, but is it funny to your friend?, maybe. In my case --definitely yes, as my friend found out the other day when some no title movie came on and they started to cry at certain moments of the movie and I knew this because they always headed to the bathroom , really,why? I called them out on it and there response which is typical was ------shut up. Yes , I ask ,are you crying? and I am told to Shut Up, that is funny shit.... I see so much hurt and pain in this world , in my world, its tough out there, every corner I turn, I run into someone in pain, someone in need, someone displaced, some one who lost a job , someone who lost a loved one and the list goes on and on and I feel their pain , I see their pain cascading down there cheeks with tears, everyday , morning, noon and night, so I wanted to share this thought that crying could be, should be a funny thing, .... The greatest moment I could ever have would be to see more tears brought on by joy and happiness rather than by hurt and pain ,,,now that would be a funny... funny.... wonderful thing .day 5
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:18 PM
crying can be a funny thing
I know , I know, when you see this title you will question my thought. But hold on , let me explain. I understand, when we are born we are made to cry, is that sad or funny? When you slip in public in front of Macy's on Christmas eve, is that sad or funny? when you are at a comedy show and the comic is tearing it up and tears are strolling down your face please tell me that's funny, when you are watching a show with your friend in a theater or your home and you start tearing up ,crying, is that funny? How about watching a movie with a cynical friend, a lifetime movie and you start crying is that funny to you? no, but is it funny to your friend?, maybe. In my case --definitely yes, as my friend found out the other day when some no title movie came on and they started to cry at certain moments of the movie and I knew this because they always headed to the bathroom , really,why? I called them out on it and there response which is typical was ------shut up. Yes , I ask ,are you crying? and I am told to Shut Up, that is funny shit.... I see so much hurt and pain in this world , in my world, its tough out there, every corner I turn, I run into someone in pain, someone in need, someone displaced, some one who lost a job , someone who lost a loved one and the list goes on and on and I feel their pain , I see their pain cascading down there cheeks with tears, everyday , morning, noon and night, so I wanted to share this thought that crying could be, should be a funny thing, .... The greatest moment I could ever have would be to see more tears brought on by joy and happiness rather than by hurt and pain ,,,now that would be a funny... funny.... wonderful thing .day 5
day 3
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:18 PM
does time heal all when friends are concerned?
I am not a computer junkie even though I have used my computer while being a junkie and for the most deviant purposes. I have found we have so many social sites now adays that they rival my pasta sauce choices at Ralph's, we have all those sex sites, all those dating ,wink ,wink sites. all those occupational sites, all those club sites ,sites ,sites sites. it made me feel like I was on that roller coaster , space mountain again and again and again, loving every moment of it but couldn't wait to get off. then along comes face book and my past knocks on my front door without any warning. A old friend found me on face book today, he looks good but I was there when he took that picture, so who knows. The thing is we were so close, friends , very good friends, best friends, I helped him in his time of need and well he helped me in mine and then one day it ended and ended abruptly, as abruptly as a bad date, but this was or should not have happened, one bad phone conversation, words exchanged and feelings hurt. Anger and sadness nestled up together like baby birds in a rain storm. We each carried our thoughts alone and masked them with lives on separate shores, then his message to me----Mark , Mark is that you, its Bruce , please do not delete , I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are, are you good? you look good , please respond , please I am your friend, please............
well I admit that tears formed as abruptly as our friendship had ended when reading this message sent to me . Of course I would not delete this message, it had been so long, why were we not friends? what? that's crazy! Well, we are again , right were we belong, in each others lifes, him on one coast and me on another. So I asked myself ---Was it face book that allowed us to rekindle our friendship or TIME? Face book helped but TIME was the champion, we are so selfish, so self absorbed, so human, we as people only have two ways of reacting,---- emotionally and rationally, emotionally ignites the disagreements, the anger, the tears and Rationally apologizes for the disagreements,the anger but still brings tears and TIME is the instrument for such actions,,,,,,please find that one person you never have forgotten, who has meant so much to you, go on any social site or by any means make contact , they will be waiting for you , isn't it TIME ?
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:18 PM
does time heal all when friends are concerned?
I am not a computer junkie even though I have used my computer while being a junkie and for the most deviant purposes. I have found we have so many social sites now adays that they rival my pasta sauce choices at Ralph's, we have all those sex sites, all those dating ,wink ,wink sites. all those occupational sites, all those club sites ,sites ,sites sites. it made me feel like I was on that roller coaster , space mountain again and again and again, loving every moment of it but couldn't wait to get off. then along comes face book and my past knocks on my front door without any warning. A old friend found me on face book today, he looks good but I was there when he took that picture, so who knows. The thing is we were so close, friends , very good friends, best friends, I helped him in his time of need and well he helped me in mine and then one day it ended and ended abruptly, as abruptly as a bad date, but this was or should not have happened, one bad phone conversation, words exchanged and feelings hurt. Anger and sadness nestled up together like baby birds in a rain storm. We each carried our thoughts alone and masked them with lives on separate shores, then his message to me----Mark , Mark is that you, its Bruce , please do not delete , I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are, are you good? you look good , please respond , please I am your friend, please............
well I admit that tears formed as abruptly as our friendship had ended when reading this message sent to me . Of course I would not delete this message, it had been so long, why were we not friends? what? that's crazy! Well, we are again , right were we belong, in each others lifes, him on one coast and me on another. So I asked myself ---Was it face book that allowed us to rekindle our friendship or TIME? Face book helped but TIME was the champion, we are so selfish, so self absorbed, so human, we as people only have two ways of reacting,---- emotionally and rationally, emotionally ignites the disagreements, the anger, the tears and Rationally apologizes for the disagreements,the anger but still brings tears and TIME is the instrument for such actions,,,,,,please find that one person you never have forgotten, who has meant so much to you, go on any social site or by any means make contact , they will be waiting for you , isn't it TIME ?
day 2
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:19 PM
my thought today is really a question and my thoughts on this question.
Can you really be taken seriously arguing NAKED ?
I was with a friend this past weekend and we found ourselves in La Jolla, California , blacks beach and for all who do not know, blacks beach is a nude beach. Now the locale is beautiful ,breathtaking , para gliders, view for miles and the walk down to the beach thru the cliffs is to die for ( walking back up the cliffs after hanging at the beach will literally kill you but that's another story) well we found our spot and were enjoying the views when from behind us we heard a commotion,-- for this story we will call our men the Confront-or and the Confrontee, well we turned to see this very hot and very well put together and very nicely packaged NAKED MAN ( the confront or ) pointing his naked finger at this small,thin, old Asian man who was fully clothed and I mean fully, he had shorts on, he had a t-shirt on, he had a sweater on( beach-hot -summer, I know) he had socks on and flip flops on,- his right hand held a beach chair and his left arm held a blanket and a six pack of wine coolers , OK, OK , I am joking, no wine coolers ( the confrontee ). I guess what had happened was the Confront-or had moved from point to point on the beach and the Confrontee had followed,, well enough was enough and the Confront-or ( the hot guy ) shouted " You following me, You following me, just like a wise guy, if you want to keep you teeth do not follow me again,--- WOW,WOW. The Confrontee responded " ei, ou, me no ,yes, sorry, be, boe. ---I looked at my friend and was like "what the fuck" the Confrontee gave in to the Confront-or, I started laughing and laughing and more laughing. Really, was the confront-or that menacing, no , no I proclaim, he was well put together, everyone was following him and besides being naked on a beach --what do you expect! The confront-or looked silly pointing his naked finger like that , he should have just pointed his you know what and the confrontee would have probably died ,end of confrontation. but no....I wanted to shout, " put some boxers on and repeat that , because no one and I mean no one is looking at your finger". Better judgement came over me and I watched as the Confront-or banished himself into some leafy dunes, I did see him pop his head out on occasion, yes the one connected to his neck, thank you. so sad an ending but I give this advice please please if you are going to argue on a nude beach put some boxers on or be banished to the leafy dunes.
so can you really be taken seriously arguing naked?
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:19 PM
my thought today is really a question and my thoughts on this question.
Can you really be taken seriously arguing NAKED ?
I was with a friend this past weekend and we found ourselves in La Jolla, California , blacks beach and for all who do not know, blacks beach is a nude beach. Now the locale is beautiful ,breathtaking , para gliders, view for miles and the walk down to the beach thru the cliffs is to die for ( walking back up the cliffs after hanging at the beach will literally kill you but that's another story) well we found our spot and were enjoying the views when from behind us we heard a commotion,-- for this story we will call our men the Confront-or and the Confrontee, well we turned to see this very hot and very well put together and very nicely packaged NAKED MAN ( the confront or ) pointing his naked finger at this small,thin, old Asian man who was fully clothed and I mean fully, he had shorts on, he had a t-shirt on, he had a sweater on( beach-hot -summer, I know) he had socks on and flip flops on,- his right hand held a beach chair and his left arm held a blanket and a six pack of wine coolers , OK, OK , I am joking, no wine coolers ( the confrontee ). I guess what had happened was the Confront-or had moved from point to point on the beach and the Confrontee had followed,, well enough was enough and the Confront-or ( the hot guy ) shouted " You following me, You following me, just like a wise guy, if you want to keep you teeth do not follow me again,--- WOW,WOW. The Confrontee responded " ei, ou, me no ,yes, sorry, be, boe. ---I looked at my friend and was like "what the fuck" the Confrontee gave in to the Confront-or, I started laughing and laughing and more laughing. Really, was the confront-or that menacing, no , no I proclaim, he was well put together, everyone was following him and besides being naked on a beach --what do you expect! The confront-or looked silly pointing his naked finger like that , he should have just pointed his you know what and the confrontee would have probably died ,end of confrontation. but no....I wanted to shout, " put some boxers on and repeat that , because no one and I mean no one is looking at your finger". Better judgement came over me and I watched as the Confront-or banished himself into some leafy dunes, I did see him pop his head out on occasion, yes the one connected to his neck, thank you. so sad an ending but I give this advice please please if you are going to argue on a nude beach put some boxers on or be banished to the leafy dunes.
so can you really be taken seriously arguing naked?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
