Saturday, August 13, 2011
babies
I went to the grocery store the other day, shopping for my weekly groceries, some ground turkey, chicken thighs, potatoes, bananas and more when all of a sudden this shrieking alarm sounded. I instinctively froze for a second and then without regard headed for the exit. I do admit it was the highest pitch fire alarm I have ever heard, but still I headed to the exit walking quickly past the dairy and turned down the Asian theme isle when all of a sudden I stopped dead in my tracks. " WHAT THE HELL", the alarm I heard was not an alarm at all, it was a larger than usual baby boy, screaming and not liking his cart at all. Where was his mom, about 20 feet down the isle on her cell phone just talking away and shopping for something,not paying attention to her child. Well I thought you are kidding me, So I did what I thought was best. I rolled that cart with the screaming baby boy to its mother, "here you go".....She turned and gave me such a look of disdain and I said " now you know how we all feel ", get off your phone and care for your son. Then I grabbed some sriracha sauce and headed off to find my cart leaving behind now 2 screaming babies. Well I paid for my groceries and was placing them in the back seat of my truck when I heard "hey bud". I turned around and saw no one. "look down numb nuts". What the f. It was the baby boy I had encountered, "you talk?" I asked. "no"he shot back with a smile and a wink. I must be going crazy I thought to myself but if I was so be it. "So whats up little man"? "Don't call me that"....I just wanted to let you know we babies have something to say. O.K. what is it? we babies cry because we can not TALK! we cry because we wet our diapers, we cry because we are tired, we cry because we are hungry, we cry because we are scared, we do not know how to control our volume, no we won't be quiet, Oh is that a pacifier? Did I say we can't talk, if we could we would not be crying all the time. so sorry for interrupting your movie or for making your shopping less fun but we are not as bad as those dogs, sorry for ruining your meals and your romantic dinner and if you smell something very bad and we are crying god help you...I agreed with this larger than usual talking baby boy . I closed my door and turned back but the baby boy was gone, I knew that this was just my mind playing games on me, funny, but as I was about to get into my truck out came the mother carrying the baby boy on her shoulders and who now appeared asleep. I thought as she came closer that it is a tough tough job to be a parent and to be a baby and I forgive all babies for all their indiscretions of behavior. The mom and baby boy walked by me , the mom and myself exchanged smiles and as I watched her carry her sleeping baby boy he suddenly opened his eyes, smiled and winked, drooled on his moms shoulders then fell back to sleep. I laughed and got in my truck and have not stopped smiling. maybe this was not my mind playing tricks on me and the larger than usual baby boy was right...babies are not as bad as dogs.....
Thursday, August 4, 2011
As good as it gets
August 4th, 2011
every now and then we hang around greatness. That adjective can be used loosely at best. Not this time. I have a friend not a best friend but friend none the less. He works hard and has a plan. He looks for love and more times than not finds friends. He always has a place to go, always invited by someone to do something. He helps anyone who needs it without any reservation. I my self have been stranded on a Friday night , one call to him and 30 minutes later he is there, He does not have a pet but you will find a cute Chiwawa hanging out at his place when his owner is off at school. I have never and I mean never heard him say a coarse word. Boy could he, you see my friend has Crohn's and for all who do not know Crohn's is a long-term inflammatory disease of the gastrointestinal (GI) system. He has been in an out of the hospital because of this, His diet has changed( anything good makes him sick, ice makes him feel better). He was in a relationship and it ended because of this. Pain, I mean constant, piercing, intolerable pain that would make anyone give up. Not my friend, he says nothing. He demands of himself to go to work, help customers, they need him he says, he wont let them down, all the while having to endure this pain. He has been in the hospital 2 of the last 4 weeks, at least there he can get morphine and the pain for that moment of time disappears. This will be his life from now on, this is what he gets to look forward too, everyday and I mean everyday dealing with pain but hey if I did not tell you, did not point at him while we were all out and say that's my friend with Crohn's you would never know. Sit around the table with him, sit at the bar with him, go to dinner with him, watch a movie with him, take a road trip with him and experience his greatness as he will never let you know about his pain. My friend has Crohn's and he refuses to let Crohn's control his live, spend a moment with him and see what he is made of because that is as good as it gets.
Mark
every now and then we hang around greatness. That adjective can be used loosely at best. Not this time. I have a friend not a best friend but friend none the less. He works hard and has a plan. He looks for love and more times than not finds friends. He always has a place to go, always invited by someone to do something. He helps anyone who needs it without any reservation. I my self have been stranded on a Friday night , one call to him and 30 minutes later he is there, He does not have a pet but you will find a cute Chiwawa hanging out at his place when his owner is off at school. I have never and I mean never heard him say a coarse word. Boy could he, you see my friend has Crohn's and for all who do not know Crohn's is a long-term inflammatory disease of the gastrointestinal (GI) system. He has been in an out of the hospital because of this, His diet has changed( anything good makes him sick, ice makes him feel better). He was in a relationship and it ended because of this. Pain, I mean constant, piercing, intolerable pain that would make anyone give up. Not my friend, he says nothing. He demands of himself to go to work, help customers, they need him he says, he wont let them down, all the while having to endure this pain. He has been in the hospital 2 of the last 4 weeks, at least there he can get morphine and the pain for that moment of time disappears. This will be his life from now on, this is what he gets to look forward too, everyday and I mean everyday dealing with pain but hey if I did not tell you, did not point at him while we were all out and say that's my friend with Crohn's you would never know. Sit around the table with him, sit at the bar with him, go to dinner with him, watch a movie with him, take a road trip with him and experience his greatness as he will never let you know about his pain. My friend has Crohn's and he refuses to let Crohn's control his live, spend a moment with him and see what he is made of because that is as good as it gets.
Mark
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
the great wall of deceit
Corporate Corrections of America the great wall of deceit
Otay Mesa, San Diego, California
Stand Up! Complied with. Turn around! Complied with. Do not move! Complied with. Carlos followed every directive without ever saying a word. The door opened and 5 guards rushed in and threw Carlos to the ground, with the noise of teenage hooligans out to cause mischief the guards stomped on him and secured all 5’7 145lbs of him but again Carlos did not say a word. The guards whisked him off to the hole and before long Carlos heard another cell door open, he was thrown in this cell and the training began. The lead guard demonstrated how you subdue an inmate and remove his restraints, then for them the fun began, the lead guard shouted rip his shirt off, flip him over pull his pants off, leaving him naked, standing over him, high fives abound, and accolades a job well done were echoed, they all looked down at Carlos who of course was completely naked and smiled and walked away, slamming the cell door as they left. Carlos still never said a word. Carlos looked around and saw this cell had one unique feature, there was a hole in the middle of the room and that was it. The hole and the cell smelled like feces. Carlos was appalled. Why was he naked? Well enter the counselor who told him that he was in this cell and naked because the report stated he was suicidal. Carlos could not believe it, “who wrote that”, he asked, I am not suicidal, nor will I ever be… after just ten minutes speaking with Carlos the counselor agreed and summoned the captain for Carlos to be moved immediately. The guards had falsified this finding so as to be able to train their staff and this was at the expense of Carlos… what precipitated this event, well Carlos did tear up his cell, why you ask? Well the constant mind games of lights on and lights off and the constant private personal, medical information being leaked to other inmates who want to hurt Carlos had reached a point, but what pushed him over the edge was his commissary delivery or the lack there of it. I call the prison when something is not right and Carlos complains to me, I happened to speak with the commissary manager in the morning and as usual the arrogance of a CCA employee showed thru, I spoke about their oversight and their mistake of not delivering to Carlos, well she made it a point to tell me that Carlos needed to speak to anyone who worked in commissary as they always are around and he could just ask someone when he saw them. Well I shared my point with her and then shared her point with Carlos…….Carlos followed that instruction and the next time he saw the guy who delivered commissary he spoke to him, “hey man! You forgot about my delivery, can you check please”? This employee looked at Carlos and shouted “fuck off”……and kept on walking………………….Carlos had enough and rightfully so, so he took his frustrations out on his cell and then laid down and waited.. I have as well had enough of this corporation and our government must now step in and revoke their licenses. Google this company and see all the discord, see all the human rights violations, see the deaths , see the corrupt employees, see the corrupt officers of this company. They over crowd for profits sake, they have been sited for this but yet still practice this. They hold back meals, they traumatize the families of these inmates who patiently wait to see them, the area that you must wait in gets very hot and yet only one umbrella, they make them line up to hand in their paperwork, making them stand for up to an hour in the sun before the employee comes out to collect the paper work. Also this is a holding facility not a prison, the shackles on the ankles are a form of torture , look at Carlos’ ankles and tell me it is not, this should be abolished. It has been said that if you went to the facility and wore a blindfold you would not be able to distinguish who the inmates or who the guards were. I myself have waited for my visit and have had shift changes happen, older men and women along with children were waiting as well and all of us are forced to hear words such as “mother fucker”, “asshole”, bitch, dike, fag…..is this really what we should put up with. Is this really where we should trust our loved ones, Is this really where we should reward these kinds of behavior. I know that running an operation such as this is not easy but with that said, if you fail at something look for something else to do. The one thing you owe us, those of us who have loved ones in your care is that they will be safe and treated with respect and dignity. You have failed at all three, you harbor an environment of hate and discontent for the human life and this can not be tolerated.
Mark O’Brien
Monday, July 18, 2011
pride
July 17th, 2011
Well another pride has come and gone. Many people from many places celebrating our movement or who should be celebrating the gay movement. The bars were busy,the park was alive and the parade was a success. I usually volunteer at the festival each year, just giving back to my community during pride. I was suppose to provide safety for the main stage at the festival where Margret Cho and Christina Aguelera along with others would perform. I never made it to the festival . I apologize to the volunteers, I never went to a bar, I never saw the parade, I never joined in any festivities of this pride weekend but I must tell you it was the best pride weekend I have ever had.
carlos has been waiting more patiently than me for his release. He calls me everyday and I am able to see him on the weekends and holidays, usually Sundays is our day to visit, but this weekend I went on Saturday, waited for four hours in the sun for my hour visit with Carlos, plexiglass between us and the germ filled phone to speak in, the hour moved so fast as it always does, we talk about the future as its the future that motivates us. He was funny today, he wanted me to go see Christina Aguelera and walk around and enjoy the park, funny he would ask me to do that. "Don't stay home",he said. "O.K."but I did. I woke up on Sunday and again headed out to see Carlos. I love every minute I spend with him and I hope he realizes that. He was disappointed to hear I did nothing on Saturday night and again reiterated for me to go on Sunday, well again I stayed home and as I was watching television Carlos called and was sad that I did not have a good pride weekend and blamed himself. I smiled and simply told him there was nothing in the bars for me , there was nothing at the park for me , there was nothing in the parade for me. Pride is about being with family,friends and loved ones sharing our lifestyle and all our successes for equality. Carlos, the hour I spent with you on Saturday and the hour I spent with you on Sunday was my pride. my celebration for having you in my life. It does not get better than that....there was a pause but I heard his smile and I heard his heart and that is
why this was the best pride of my life.
Mark
Well another pride has come and gone. Many people from many places celebrating our movement or who should be celebrating the gay movement. The bars were busy,the park was alive and the parade was a success. I usually volunteer at the festival each year, just giving back to my community during pride. I was suppose to provide safety for the main stage at the festival where Margret Cho and Christina Aguelera along with others would perform. I never made it to the festival . I apologize to the volunteers, I never went to a bar, I never saw the parade, I never joined in any festivities of this pride weekend but I must tell you it was the best pride weekend I have ever had.
carlos has been waiting more patiently than me for his release. He calls me everyday and I am able to see him on the weekends and holidays, usually Sundays is our day to visit, but this weekend I went on Saturday, waited for four hours in the sun for my hour visit with Carlos, plexiglass between us and the germ filled phone to speak in, the hour moved so fast as it always does, we talk about the future as its the future that motivates us. He was funny today, he wanted me to go see Christina Aguelera and walk around and enjoy the park, funny he would ask me to do that. "Don't stay home",he said. "O.K."but I did. I woke up on Sunday and again headed out to see Carlos. I love every minute I spend with him and I hope he realizes that. He was disappointed to hear I did nothing on Saturday night and again reiterated for me to go on Sunday, well again I stayed home and as I was watching television Carlos called and was sad that I did not have a good pride weekend and blamed himself. I smiled and simply told him there was nothing in the bars for me , there was nothing at the park for me , there was nothing in the parade for me. Pride is about being with family,friends and loved ones sharing our lifestyle and all our successes for equality. Carlos, the hour I spent with you on Saturday and the hour I spent with you on Sunday was my pride. my celebration for having you in my life. It does not get better than that....there was a pause but I heard his smile and I heard his heart and that is
why this was the best pride of my life.
Mark
Friday, March 25, 2011
day 11
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:16 PM
someone saved my life today with only a smile
all thru my blog you have read many things about my thoughts, some of those thoughts have included my feelings on myself. The trials and tribulations one goes thru when their life, my life is turned upside down, the fears of never fully recovering , physically or emotionally, those fears grab hold and refuse to relinquish their grip........with all my might I have tried to help others while never fully helping myself..... I take great pride that my words have sooth, healed and strenghtened hearts of others, but I must admit I am deeply pained that those same words leave my heart heavy. I have fought and prayed, laughed, cried, talked and listened, trying to find some sense of where my life is now and always and I mean always I have come up empty...I questioned myself on being selfish, I have challenged myself on being patient and I have scolded myself for being thoughtless. But it always came back to sadness, I know that its only been five months since I left the hospital, I know how much struggle was placed on me and I know how supportive my friends and family are to me, but I was introduced yesterday to what I was missing. I was at the gym, working hard and never since my hospital stay has anyone paid me any mind. I mean that's O.K. I go to the gym to work out, trying to make me better, trying to put aside my hurt......... There was a man working out at the same time near me, nothing special about this man, just happened to be there at the same time. As I was lifting I started to realize I was really working out again and it felt great ....I was finishing up when this man walked by and and we glanced at each other and he smiled, yes smiled, nothing else, we did not speak at all, he just smiled but it was one of those smiles that you wear when your puppy greets you at the door, one of those smiles when your favorite sports team wins, one of those smiles when your lottery ticket is a winner....These smiles are genuine, they are honest , they are real... And when he smiled and kept walking I smiled and for the first time realized I was getting better, I was growing stronger, that smile tore away the grip fear had on me, I am not saying I don't have alot of work to do but what I am saying is I am confident I am succeeding. A stranger saved my life yesterday with only a smile...........so I ask everyone what is it worth to you to know that you made someone feel alittle better about themselves today!!!is it worth a smile!
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:16 PM
someone saved my life today with only a smile
all thru my blog you have read many things about my thoughts, some of those thoughts have included my feelings on myself. The trials and tribulations one goes thru when their life, my life is turned upside down, the fears of never fully recovering , physically or emotionally, those fears grab hold and refuse to relinquish their grip........with all my might I have tried to help others while never fully helping myself..... I take great pride that my words have sooth, healed and strenghtened hearts of others, but I must admit I am deeply pained that those same words leave my heart heavy. I have fought and prayed, laughed, cried, talked and listened, trying to find some sense of where my life is now and always and I mean always I have come up empty...I questioned myself on being selfish, I have challenged myself on being patient and I have scolded myself for being thoughtless. But it always came back to sadness, I know that its only been five months since I left the hospital, I know how much struggle was placed on me and I know how supportive my friends and family are to me, but I was introduced yesterday to what I was missing. I was at the gym, working hard and never since my hospital stay has anyone paid me any mind. I mean that's O.K. I go to the gym to work out, trying to make me better, trying to put aside my hurt......... There was a man working out at the same time near me, nothing special about this man, just happened to be there at the same time. As I was lifting I started to realize I was really working out again and it felt great ....I was finishing up when this man walked by and and we glanced at each other and he smiled, yes smiled, nothing else, we did not speak at all, he just smiled but it was one of those smiles that you wear when your puppy greets you at the door, one of those smiles when your favorite sports team wins, one of those smiles when your lottery ticket is a winner....These smiles are genuine, they are honest , they are real... And when he smiled and kept walking I smiled and for the first time realized I was getting better, I was growing stronger, that smile tore away the grip fear had on me, I am not saying I don't have alot of work to do but what I am saying is I am confident I am succeeding. A stranger saved my life yesterday with only a smile...........so I ask everyone what is it worth to you to know that you made someone feel alittle better about themselves today!!!is it worth a smile!
day 10
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:17 PM
I wrote this story and poem awhile back but today I found it fitting to bring it back
Free to Dream
Sometimes I remember moments, stories of old, happy times and sad times. On this particular day it must have been 4:10 am, I was up I actually just got home from work. Thus the life of a bartender. I can not explain to you or anyone why this vivid thought came to me –a thought of years gone bye a thought of my brothers best friend in little league and of course elementary school. They were inseparable, both great athletes, especially baseball. They played on the same little league team and both were destined to start varsity baseball on their high school team as freshman. My brother TJ did exactly that but his friend Chris did not as Chris was lost to us and the world in a traffic accident. Boy, the hurt, the healing, the loss of a child is so wrong, so jolting –so as I pondered this memory I went on my fire escape of my apartment in the east village of NYC and wrote.
Free to dream
I remember a day long ago
My age at time escapes me
I was young, stupid and full of life
A kid wanting to be free
Yearning for that freedom
Like everyone else who was free
Free to buy beer
Drive a car
Live alone
Fly very far
Go out till 2 am or 4
Eat what I want
Pee, without closing the door
Be messy dirty or clean
Having to shave with a razor
By the way, what’s a wet dream?
Independent
Living the big life
No fear
Wow, this day long ago is becoming so vivid
Hey what’s this?
Tears
I see it
This day
I see it now
I left the corner store
I laugh
Start to run home
I couldn’t wait to tell my mom of my dreams
Hope she is not on the phone
When a noise in some direction
got so loud, so light, so bright
I looked just in time
This car hit me
Threw me clear
Clear out of sight
As my body crumpled
I fumbled with one thought
Mom
Left alone, sad and crying
She’ll be crying an awful lot
Mom, I am so sorry
Please tell me you can hear
Mommy
Can you help me?
Then she disappeared
Wondering what I did
Wondering how and why this would happen
To me or any kid
My dreams once so fib rant
Now echo of loss
I never will understand at just what cost
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:17 PM
I wrote this story and poem awhile back but today I found it fitting to bring it back
Free to Dream
Sometimes I remember moments, stories of old, happy times and sad times. On this particular day it must have been 4:10 am, I was up I actually just got home from work. Thus the life of a bartender. I can not explain to you or anyone why this vivid thought came to me –a thought of years gone bye a thought of my brothers best friend in little league and of course elementary school. They were inseparable, both great athletes, especially baseball. They played on the same little league team and both were destined to start varsity baseball on their high school team as freshman. My brother TJ did exactly that but his friend Chris did not as Chris was lost to us and the world in a traffic accident. Boy, the hurt, the healing, the loss of a child is so wrong, so jolting –so as I pondered this memory I went on my fire escape of my apartment in the east village of NYC and wrote.
Free to dream
I remember a day long ago
My age at time escapes me
I was young, stupid and full of life
A kid wanting to be free
Yearning for that freedom
Like everyone else who was free
Free to buy beer
Drive a car
Live alone
Fly very far
Go out till 2 am or 4
Eat what I want
Pee, without closing the door
Be messy dirty or clean
Having to shave with a razor
By the way, what’s a wet dream?
Independent
Living the big life
No fear
Wow, this day long ago is becoming so vivid
Hey what’s this?
Tears
I see it
This day
I see it now
I left the corner store
I laugh
Start to run home
I couldn’t wait to tell my mom of my dreams
Hope she is not on the phone
When a noise in some direction
got so loud, so light, so bright
I looked just in time
This car hit me
Threw me clear
Clear out of sight
As my body crumpled
I fumbled with one thought
Mom
Left alone, sad and crying
She’ll be crying an awful lot
Mom, I am so sorry
Please tell me you can hear
Mommy
Can you help me?
Then she disappeared
Wondering what I did
Wondering how and why this would happen
To me or any kid
My dreams once so fib rant
Now echo of loss
I never will understand at just what cost
day 8
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:17 PM
Colors
I took my nephew and my nephews friend to the San Diego zoo on a beautiful balmy summer day. I was so rejoiced to see how my nephew embraced the beautiful animals of the beautiful San Diego zoo. I was amazed how he mentioned over and over about the majestic colors of orangutans , exotic birds, the zebras, lions, the giraffes’ and almost every creature of the animal kingdom. It wasn’t just the incredible journey of learning about these new creatures in his life I absorbed. It was how he just adored the tranquil unsuspecting flamboyant colors that these animals carried and how well they strutted so proud to be what they were. You see I was so happy to hear his proclamations because as a bi-racial child, his color was often a pit for ridicule. Seeing that my nephew was not going to be deterred, distracted or jaded about color. Be it on him or these beautiful animals of this beautiful zoo. I could not but be inspired to when I finally arrived home, scribble these words down for us all and especially those who may see color in a different light.
I see color
Color that is so clear
Red for that rose
Brown in the bear
Blue on the sky
Oh, how beautiful to see
Green for the grass
Yellow and black in that bumble bee
Love, colors,
Plentiful
Look all around
Influence
For this I have found
But lost in this oasis are the colors of we
Brown, black, white,
The bare colors for all
For us
See
So why in one instance
These colors held in awe
Can in the next breath
Create hatred so near and far
Call me simple
It may be true
For me
All colors look more splendid
On you
You and youday 9Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:17 PMI am not the man I use to be!
Having lunch with a friend of mine yesterday, well actually tacos, we were having tacos prior to going to the gym......The conversation was initiated by me , I was commenting on how much I have fallen or thought I had fallen in regards to my body , my looks , my life...I had 4 months ago been in a hospital bed fighting off pneumonia, it took all my might and I lost 25 pounds in that fight...well that seems along time ago, but today, when we were speaking, the conversation brought me to days,years of old, a long but not so long ago time. I shared to him my hurtful emotion, I told him, "Look at me" , am I not good looking am I not sexy! "am I not hot",,,,,bless his soul , he could only respond one way, What would your friend do? ....."Mark" , you are sexy to me, you are hot to me,,,,,,,there it was, the dreaded sexy to ME, hot to ME, line........All my years of life, my body, my face, was what got me everywhere.....I trusted in my body and my looks to get me to success... All these years it never failed, never wavered,...but then came pneumonia. pnenumonia wiped out all my confidence in a 3 week period., so as I thought about not being the same man I used to be, I wondered back to the days in palm springs when I partied to much, professed to much, was drunk too much and had way too many sexual partners to ever protest to much.. ... Was that me? was that the man I was? Yes it was, and so as I struggle to regain my,,, lets just call it form , I want to share with all of you ,,,,,I am not the man I use to be: and boy am I happy for that !!!!!
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:17 PM
Colors
I took my nephew and my nephews friend to the San Diego zoo on a beautiful balmy summer day. I was so rejoiced to see how my nephew embraced the beautiful animals of the beautiful San Diego zoo. I was amazed how he mentioned over and over about the majestic colors of orangutans , exotic birds, the zebras, lions, the giraffes’ and almost every creature of the animal kingdom. It wasn’t just the incredible journey of learning about these new creatures in his life I absorbed. It was how he just adored the tranquil unsuspecting flamboyant colors that these animals carried and how well they strutted so proud to be what they were. You see I was so happy to hear his proclamations because as a bi-racial child, his color was often a pit for ridicule. Seeing that my nephew was not going to be deterred, distracted or jaded about color. Be it on him or these beautiful animals of this beautiful zoo. I could not but be inspired to when I finally arrived home, scribble these words down for us all and especially those who may see color in a different light.
I see color
Color that is so clear
Red for that rose
Brown in the bear
Blue on the sky
Oh, how beautiful to see
Green for the grass
Yellow and black in that bumble bee
Love, colors,
Plentiful
Look all around
Influence
For this I have found
But lost in this oasis are the colors of we
Brown, black, white,
The bare colors for all
For us
See
So why in one instance
These colors held in awe
Can in the next breath
Create hatred so near and far
Call me simple
It may be true
For me
All colors look more splendid
On you
You and youday 9Wednesday, September 09, 2009 9:17 PMI am not the man I use to be!
Having lunch with a friend of mine yesterday, well actually tacos, we were having tacos prior to going to the gym......The conversation was initiated by me , I was commenting on how much I have fallen or thought I had fallen in regards to my body , my looks , my life...I had 4 months ago been in a hospital bed fighting off pneumonia, it took all my might and I lost 25 pounds in that fight...well that seems along time ago, but today, when we were speaking, the conversation brought me to days,years of old, a long but not so long ago time. I shared to him my hurtful emotion, I told him, "Look at me" , am I not good looking am I not sexy! "am I not hot",,,,,bless his soul , he could only respond one way, What would your friend do? ....."Mark" , you are sexy to me, you are hot to me,,,,,,,there it was, the dreaded sexy to ME, hot to ME, line........All my years of life, my body, my face, was what got me everywhere.....I trusted in my body and my looks to get me to success... All these years it never failed, never wavered,...but then came pneumonia. pnenumonia wiped out all my confidence in a 3 week period., so as I thought about not being the same man I used to be, I wondered back to the days in palm springs when I partied to much, professed to much, was drunk too much and had way too many sexual partners to ever protest to much.. ... Was that me? was that the man I was? Yes it was, and so as I struggle to regain my,,, lets just call it form , I want to share with all of you ,,,,,I am not the man I use to be: and boy am I happy for that !!!!!
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